The Funnies

Man Who Loved Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it
became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never
go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday
and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the
country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he
had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the
wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several
miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got
home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. 
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt
reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.
She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for
dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at
the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he
was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to
remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not
to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While
she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg
and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard
time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He
had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his
leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled
worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the
smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly
laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling
contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner
table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and
yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.